I adore taking photos, I literally take thousands, and my favourite thing to do is to sit and look through photos of the girls, and of all our trips we have taken pre and post children. It just makes me so happy.
But…there are two photos missing. And the fact that these are missing is something I struggle to deal with on a daily basis.
I have been really open about the fact that we chose to have two c-sections, due to the huge risks a natural birth would have come with, caused by surgeries I had on my hip as a child. I am completely happy with this decision. But, the trust that I gave birth in have a rule – no cameras in the theatre. I understand that all NHS trusts differ, I get that, but sometimes I wonder whether they have considered the sanity of new mothers when deciding this rule!
So, to cut a long story short – I don’t have a photo immediately after either of my girls were born. Two photos I would literally give anything for. The first photographic evidence we have is when they were both about 30 minutes old, that their daddy took when he first got out of the theatre with them. And I hear you say, but does that matter? To me, yes it does. Don’t get me wrong, I can remember the moments so, so clearly, and I know that years ago there weren’t even cameras available to do this, but in this day and age it is just what you do, you take photos.
This isn’t a recent thing that I have struggled with, I knew as soon as I had Lyla that it was something that really upset me. I spoke to the theatre team as I went in to have Daisy and explained how I felt but, no, there was no movement on their rule. I work in healthcare so I do understand the reasons behind why they say this, something I won’t go into, but I just wanted a photo of my baby’s entrance into the world. Of me and my girls at our first meeting. I wanted that photo that you see everywhere, of a mummy lying on the bed in theatre with her newborn baby on her chest. How come they could have that moment but not me?
So why am I writing this now? I am part of a lovely community on YouTube called Channel Mum, I love watching and supporting all of the vloggers, and following their stories on Instagram. But seeing some of them photograph and film their c-sections has brought all my emotions back up to the surface. *I just need to say – I am not bitter about this, I promise. I am so, so happy for them and that they were able to do this and record those memories for both them to look back on, and for others to see the experience. I just wish I could have those memories too.*
My heart literally hurts and I have tears pouring down my face as I write this. Partly because now it seems so silly. I have my girls and I am so thankful that they are here for me to enjoy, I know people would give that over a photo any day.
There will just always be two little gaps in my heart where those pictures should be. Because having a photo of the moment your life changed forever is a pretty big deal. It is to me, anyway.