[Before I start I just want to say I did not intend this post to be all ‘woe is me’, so if it sounds that way then I’m so sorry!]
One of my friends said to me today that I need to stop criticising my own appearance on my vlogs, and as well as being so thankful for her feedback and honesty I was shocked, because I had NO IDEA that this was something I did!! I am that conscious of what I look like that I don’t even notice myself putting myself down?!
I’m not going to go all deep into how I struggle quite a lot with my self esteem, but I do. So jumping feet first into this world of blogs and vlogs was, and is, a huge deal for me. In fact, just writing that then, I can’t quite believe that I have done these things in the first place (something that makes me actually quite proud of myself). I am putting myself on a platform that hopefully, in time, will become quite public. Therefore I need to be confident, but most of all I need to be me. I genuinely believe the only person in the world who knows the real me is my husband!! That’s crazy!!
I just watched a Louise Pentland video (if you don’t know her, she is an extremely popular creator on YouTube) and she hit the nail on the head by stating the fact that YouTube is just one big popularity contest. YES! She is so right. But…I am not good at popularity contests. Oh shit! I’ve always been a follower rather than a leader. I was never the most popular in school, the most glamorous, the funniest, that just wasn’t me. I was one of the boys and I loved it!
But now I have ventured into this world, I am feeling immense pressure to be that person that I am not. I’m a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl, don’t always wear make up, I don’t wear dresses from Zara on a daily basis or get my hair blow dried twice a week, and I will never have a career as a stand up comedian. So for me to try and aim to be that is just downright unrealistic.
I find myself watching other mums with a slight jealous feeling inside, “how come they’re doing so well, I need to be like that so I can do well”. No! Or I’ll be shocked at the speed and quality of people’s editing skills, but I’m never going to a bloody Steven Spielberg so why am I worrying?! I just need to be me. I crack stupid jokes, drop swear words into sentences without realising, can be a bit geeky sometimes, pull very unflattering faces, and can be a little bit crazy. And from now on I’m determined to show all of those things. Not just on camera or on paper, but in real life too. No more holding back for fear of people’s judgement.
And do you know what else I need to do? Give myself time!!!! Things don’t happen overnight (well that’s just not flippin good enough is it!!). I will never stop putting pressure on myself, or worrying, but I can at least be happy in my own skin and if people like me and spread the word then amazing, if not then it doesn’t matter! One thing is for sure, I’m not going to win that popularity contest, but if I can merge into the vast array of competitors then I will be a happy lady.
So here’s to the future, to hopefully taking this little hobby of mine a little bit further, and to self-confidence. Come on Sian, you can do this!!
All the love